Friday, May 16, 2008

How to tell if you're in the wrong place.

The hotel I'm staying at has WiFi, but it doesn't work. So I've spent a lot of time at the Internet Cafe just down the street. They close at 11, so my last couple of posts were a little rushed. You might have been able to tell. So I finished up, and thought, hey, why not have a beer or two before I go back to the hotel and go to bed.

So, being me, I stopped at the first bar I saw, and went in and ordered a beer. So I've developed a 4-point checklist to let you know if you might have accidentally walked into a gay bar.

1. There are 37 men and only 3 women. This isn't a definitive indicator, but it does get you to pay attention to what's going on. You know, the little tickle in the back of your mind.

2. Every song is by Madonna or ABBA. Now, Madonna in her early days wasn't actually bad (think Borderline & Crazy For You), but seems to have become a gay icon. ABBA, for some reason, seems to be the same thing. (for ref: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which has the greatest single line in movie history). But I like ABBA, and if you've ever seen this video, , you know there's nothing gay about it. I saw it for the first time when I was 14. I won't go farther. Because you know what I mean.

3. The Village People sit down at the next table.

4. Guys start kissing each other. So at this point, being a somewhat-college educated kind of guy, I finally figure it out. So I go to the bouncer and ask, 'Hey, is this a gay bar?'

I've only walked out of a bar 3 times in my life and left a full beer sitting there.

1. Last night. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not homophobic or anything. Or maybe I am. Who knows? I'm kind of a live and let live type guy. You can do pretty much anything you want as long as you don't bother me. Don't knock on the door, don't call, don't hand me phamplets on the street, don't kiss and fondle in front of me. Besides, having just moved to a new country, I don't think I'm going to find many women to date in a gay bar. Just not my thing, so I left. We can all pretend to be the better person, but I wasn't comfortable.

2. One night in Riga, Latvia, a Russian girl sat down next to me and told me her divorce was final that day. And she wanted to have sex with the first man willing to oblige. New land speed records were set that night that had nothing to do with the Bonneville Salt Flats. And you know what I mean. And I don't care. How many of you have bagged a Russian girl that easily. I WAS A STUD!!!!!!!

3. One night in Sierra Vista, Arizona, one of the best friends I've ever had got into a pissing contest at the bar with some guys. On his way by me, he uttered the immortal phrase, 'I'm going to the truck to get my gun!'. Needless to say, I felt it was time to leave. But I did stop him, in the old fashioned, time-honored way that men handle these things. I threatened to call his wife.

So this is my life.

For those of you who read this far and want to know what the greatest line in movie history is, here goes.

'That's all the world needs. Another cock in a frock on a rock'

Watch the movie. Its great.


Ryan said...

I knew the story was going to be good as soon as you stepped into a bar.

Having grown up in Arizona, being in Sierra Vista was mistake one.

Ron Rollins said...

I was in the Army, stationed at Fort Huachuchua. Didn't have much choice.